tabula rasa

getting back to writing down the bones

Tue, 28 Apr 2009 05:17:00 GMT

Sat down and attempted to write down ethnographic fieldnotes, which means, everything. Its funny because I have all these observations and comments I make in my head but when it comes to actually putting it down and filing it as 'data' it takes forever. I mean an hour of active writing to comprehend about forty minutes of real time. And stopped often to think about these notes ...like Jesus' story really reaches out to me. Its so mind-boggling, Los Angeles, that these youth see so much violence.

Journal next to my bed is still blank. Didn't I promise myself to start writing more, and not just when it strikes me, or when I need to?

Attempting to blog more. Its late. I have a seven-page essay due tomorrow that's worth 25% of my grade for my Race and Ethnicity in American life class. Great class; although I wonder if I'm being overconfident on my essay. Its sitting on my laptop, half-finished.

Today after class ended at 10:30 I walked back to my apartment with the intention of spending the entire afternoon writing. In real time, I probably spent two hours actual writing up fieldnotes from the weekend, more of it cooking. Baked a quiche with spinach and mushrooms, and cooked up a delicious soup of vegetables that were on the verge of going bad. Spent a time trolling the Internet, watching YouTube videos and reading blogs. Supposed to be finishing my essay right now. Instead reading about writing and writing here (which is productive in its own sense).

Its funny, the Internet. Know where to go and you're connected to so much; but its so easy just to not do it. I've been thinking about blogging and writing and I've come across cool writers who I want to follow but just don't bother? because they're on different servers I suppose than LJ. Its kind of like everybody has their own blog at their own site which to follow you should be on that service. To have so many accounts seems to me to be more things to keep track of, etc. At the same time I do want to connect again, be part of the lj community again or just the community in general. I'd just have to pick one, and be active in it...which probably is the problem. I write sporadically, with the "if I only had time" but for some reason between school and work and play I make plenty of time...

Reasons I delay writing:
1. I'll write when I have a real focus
2. I'll write when I have time to devote to a topic (aka traveling, or crafting, or sustainability, or activism, or mental health)
3. wait till school is over
4. wait till I'm happy enough to write
5. wait till I'm sad enough to write
6. have to start a new blog just for certain topics
7. should create an new account on some server under my real identity
8. have to figure out my identity
9. should create a new website for a home for all of this stuff
10. maybe make a twitter?

what I was reading/watching some of it:
write to done- inspiration for writing
the argument for creativity in public education

Number 8 bothers me: I'm constantly flailing around trying to battle my identity: as a poor college student, as a traveler/adventure-loving explorer, an activist, figuring out what I want to do with my life, an environmentalist, a geologist?, a sociologist? , a writer, climber, an experiential education teacher, wilderness guide, crafter....and part of me is saying well go ahead pick one and write as that person. And part of me wants a home for each little area I want to write in...want an area to document my travels and adventures, my little observations about life and general...

sometimes I just want to tell stories...other peoples stories maybe? Met so many amazing people. Like Jesus. He's fifteen, grew up in L.A. and dropped out of middle school. Been arrested twice, saw friends go to jail on murder charges, has seen death straight hand. But talk to him and you'd know he knows whats up. He's very passionate about keeping people out of gang violence and about getting his life on track; I first met him last summer on the Sierras trip, a nine-day gang-intervention course with OBLA. What I remember from that trip was him just simply staying out of the drama of the other youth (conflicts with authority, etc) and that "I just like hiking."

He was quiet but had a knowing look; it was great to see him again and hear what he's been up to. He's involved in the community service organization with OBLA, and raising money to go on an epic adventure in Washington and Utah, and returning to the Sierras. It was awesome to see him transcend as a youth leader too on last weekend's course (a 2-day backpacking program for foster kids in LA); such a great asset.

I mean it was his campfire; his stories that engaged William and Javier to speak up about their experiences too and all of them proceeded to grill Andy about his pro-gang ideology. It was so powerful to hear from Jesus (not from me or another instructor) for his peers for him to help others understand consequences of their actions. "I've been there, and it sucks because it basically means your life is over...and I knew the first time I came out here I knew I had to get out," he said. What really spoke to me was that it was his experience in the Sierras, really getting away from the city, that showed him there was more out there beyond his ghetto neighborhood, and that life was good and beautiful and there was so much to explore.

and on writing...mostly I'm of the opinion that it is what it is, and if I really wanted to write more I would, and since I don't, I must some how not want it enough.

But I really should get back to that essay. Mmyep pinning down the historical sociopolitical process of defining race in America.

inactivity; slowness

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 16:59:50 GMT

Torn between desire again to throw myself into everything, be involved with everything, talk to people, make everything possible. Want to be a vegetable, sleep, and cuddle. Or want to be on top, leading the climb. Spent hours and hours climbing (actively?) yesterday. Not really. Kind of aloof from world, want to withdraw, want to fall off the planet and not care. But I do care, care too much.

My attempts to journal more apparently fail.

tabula rasa, notes on weather, life.

Tue, 16 Dec 2008 17:19:36 GMT

It is a cool crisp morning after the sudden storms hitting Southern California. Unplanned for, unpredictable, but nonetheless a reminder that we live also on this planet and are subject to weather. The earth is wet with potential and life peeks about at every corner; fresh leaves of orange and tan and brown cling to the wet cement. Leaves of my childhood when I used to sweep them up and gather and play as Cookie ran around, colors of orange red gold swirling, her bright eyes brimming with excitement and happiness.

Simple as it should be, to have the heart to be merry and sad. It is easy to be a dog. Complicated to be a human, once emotions and free will and all that discombobulation come into play.

Today I am home, back from the delirious fulcrum that is school, taking a moment between planning for life in the future, reflecting on the past. The present is ethereal; that warm blue sky, fresh relieved of clouds from rains; the air rinsed of all smog and deletrius.

Home is a welcome change from my foray into individual life; independence. It is funny how between little bubbles of your perspective all seems to go to hell; and you think, shit; I want to die right now, be drawn and quartered, set on fire and no longer want to exist because the moment is that bad. Yesterday caught between moments like these, of what seemed to be on the edge of my existence, when everything would fail---disputes between friends, miscommunications of many with my mother, and the moment of decision, and standing up for myself and choosing to act not based on how others wanted me to be, but of my own accord. And today, walking through my empty backyard, after waking up from a full night's sleep of disturbing dreams of zombies and then a peaceful reconcilation of sorts, I wake up feeling poignant. Yesterday's moments were there, part of a little epic drama, my own scripted page, but today they are irrelevant and life goes on. Or rather, not irrelevant; but from today I see they are yesterday's epic dramas and have no real impact on the universe.

Time and life encompasses both. I think of the deep canyons along the Colorado, that sliver of green slicing through time that goes back to the beginning. Time stretches, and the rock remembers. We are but an inkling, and afterthought. Human petty wars matter little to the rock, to the universe. In my own bubble I saw it as important. Today's morning for a brief moment watching the sky I remembered Time and thought it was not. Most likely I will return to my perspective and forget and become caught up in small epic dramas again; but hopefully that idea shall return, and I will remember to breathe and forget.

I walked around an empty yard today. No vibrance, no excitement, no Cookie. She was hit by a car last Wednesday by a boy driving too fast on a dark road; she was old and happy. I was not there. I returned home from exams to this. All the deaths in the year came back; changes and upsets and disconcerts in the year. 2008.

It may be too soon; but I say with confidence it was a good year; it was a year beginning with presumed heartache and a self-desire to prove myself. Over the summer working more in the outdoors and with people gave me a chance to live outside of myself. Climb more. Camp more. Get away more. Lead more. Grow more.

I remember this journal, and remember to write more. Writing used to be so much of who I was, am, will be. Who I was with this journal depended--a random, silly girl; a traveler with an eye; and update to family and friends? who read? --and creation. I haven't sewed or created anything for months, so caught up with school and work. Time for myself, I promise.

I am twenty one, nearing the end of a formal academic education. Life I know for me will be full of wanderings; already semi-plans for South America this summer have been set. I see myself as an adult in some ways, but in many I'm still in the perpetual stages of adolescence. Maybe maturity in learning in books and school; but never grown to learn how to work with people, relationships, and the usual manner of growing up.

My favorite poem remains true to my tortured epic never-regret outward attitude high school self but acting on the fearful insecurity of never having experienced life.

"And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea."
--T.S. Eliot

The dear Prufrock who always knew there would be time, was not Hamlet nor was not meant to be, chose not to act on his desires, and ended with nothing. Definitely not going to be me.

New icon by Nat's LJ icons.

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Foods. And Injuries!

Fri, 28 Sep 2007 06:00:00 GMT

Quests to make edible nutrients while I am constantly hungry. Suddenly...was I always this hungry? Or had I just become accustomed to food being readily available to purchase or find at home? I would cook at home...but with a largely stocked kitchen with plentiful items to fix, start, and boost up some meals.

Foods so far:

Drank so much juice drink! Must remember to buy more juices in more plentiful format.

The number of cooking items that I made that feel actually edible are variable. Being hungry and making something to eat aren't always fruitful together...

Grilled cheese sandwiches. How to get the cheese perfectly melted so but without burning bread on the pan? Today I used the microwave for the cheese, but saved from soggy bread by returning to the pan. Best sandwich ever. Gooey and cheesy and delicious. I was not hungry for two hours! Amazing.

Today I made fried rice, which was all right but strange. I borrowed a skillet, eggs, and corn from different neighbors....and returned to them fried rice which I recieved plentiful thanks for but no comment yet on how they taste. I thought it was rather ... strange. All right, for fried rice, but too soggy and the meat was hardly noticiable! And tasteless, for all the soy sauce I put in it. Eggs hardly registered.

In it:

grilled onions
scramble eggs
rice!
hash
mushrooms

I bet its the hash...meat in a can! Probably should have used SPAM instead. Hmmm...spam musubi... but no seaweed. Spam would have tasted better.

Freeeeeeeeeeeeedom. Tastes like ice cream and burnt fingers.

Wed, 26 Sep 2007 05:25:01 GMT

Within three days living in my new apartment I have:

burnt three of my fingers
set several things on fire
finished two and a half sewing projects
purchased a shirt
made a brilliant grilled cheese sandwich
walked at least 20 miles. (kidding! but who knows...probably ten.)

been bored.

Quite sad, considering once school starts boredom might just become a mere memory. School starts Thursday but today is Tuesday. The week passes by slowly. Without the rest of the gang at the home to be here, all the time in the day is for myself.

I like it. And I don't. But I do. It's strange.

But I'm a block away from incredible ice cream!

And business is doing rather well.

Not dead!
(I have a Monty Python pin on my bag. Hooray).

Daniel Radcliffe can act

Sat, 12 May 2007 10:02:32 GMT

I mean really, act. Not just those silly faces he's been pulling during the HP Quidditch matches, but actually get into character and act.

Last night I went to the 7:30 show of Equus at the heart of the West End of London. Originally during this trip I was planning to go but somehow the plan fell apart. But fate must have interceded because yesterday I was wandering in London and yesterday I happened to be free and yesterday I bought a ticket.

The show was amazing. The lights and the minimal set and costume design really put everything right there. If you don't know the show, it's about a psychiatrist trying to understand why a boy would blind six horses. Harry Potter jokes aside (the very first time he sings about a Milky Way bar I'm trying very hard not to fall off my seat. Too bad Sandy wasn't here to make everything really lewd), Daniel really suspended belief and put us right in the spot, in the stables with the horses and his passion and belief in them as spirits.

I think total sets were four black boxes but they became desks, chairs, hay bales, beds, walls, everything. Richard Griffiths was quite good too and the play all came together.

I had a magnificent seat by the way. Those backstage seats are a steal. I was sitting on the second row backstage, right on the stage. Literally 10 feet from the actors. Daniel is freakishly pale. It does right for the character of Alan but I wonder if he ever sees the sun. And he's pale all over, and by all over I do mean all over.

Unfortunately I was sitting in the midst of fangirls. How in the world can I go to London and still be surrounded by Americans? They let out several squeals. Yes, he is naked and I can totally hear you next to me squealing away.

After the show was kinda pandemonium. I slipped off backstage as our seats were only accessed by the back but got lost by the numerous curtains. Got back to the stage door and found a crowd eagerly waiting Daniel's appearance. A rather creepy crowd, too. Mostly girls and some older men and random people with their cell phones out. I pushed to the front but decided five minutes in it wasn't worth it as the boy probably expected this and would never walk into random London without armed guard. Plus, no pen. Camera was ready but I can't say I'm a stalker. After I met up with London cousin we walked back and everybody had dispersed (stage door closed) except a few hopefuls.

Hooray for theatre.

the Royal treatment--and Dover, Canterbury

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 11:03:37 GMT

Last weekend we went to Hampton Court, Windsor Palace, and hung out in London. Then Alice, Maria and I traveled to the white cliffs of Dover and hung out at the castles in Canterbury. Wicked fun.

the girls and I have taken control of these kegs

the first guard

annabelle, hannah and I at Hampton Court

going to the maze

natalie and i in the maze

we found it!

ray, irene, me and natalie in the food hall

me and natalie in the garden

me, lily and tammy in the garden. aren't the flowers pretty?

hannah, irene, me and natalie caught in the flowers. you see this tree is attempting to eat us.

walking in the gardens

getting higher

group shot at fountain

pyramid time!

me and the palace of Hampton Court. Henry the Eighth and his six wives lived here (not all at once)

check it out! that ceiling of green

irene and I in the great hall

lily and I at windsor palace, where the queen lives

annabelle, irene and I

the palace guard and I

you can tell the guard is getting bored with this.

my six dollar boba.

maria, alice and I at Buckingham Palace (where the Queen also lives.)

on the beaches at Dover

doing the white-cliff-edge dance

on the edge of the world

mysterious caves

don't fall off!

white-cliff-edge dance again

find carrie

canturbury castle

Lots of pictures and video-- France, Italy, Oxford

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 11:34:15 GMT

Hello to everybody! Sigh. Just got back from springbreak and have a mess of pictures and video to show everyone. Here are videos from my hike along the Thames river in Oxford, Stonehenge and Bath, and also hopefully the gondola ride in Venice. And Italy and France pictures of course.

Italy was just lovely. I adore the little streets and the scenery and the villages tucked into mountains. Venice was amazing to explore and we only had a little while in Rome but it was awesome to see the Collosium and the Pantheon.

me and dad at the river seine in Paris

me and my parents at the Notre Dame. Too bad we didn't see the Hunchback or go into the catacombs!

Mom and I at the Lourve museum.

Mom andf I at the arc'de Triumph. I do believe we are standing in the middle of the street.

My attempt to be taller than the Eiffel Tower.

Joining the party in Venice. Every year around March the whole city launches a huge festival of masks and ball gowns and huge celebrations. we only missed it.

I'm going to eat the WHOLE thing (I did really)

Me, Hannah, Laura, Annabelle, Lillian and Mareesa on the island of Giudecca outside our hostel

us again outside one of the 200 little bridges in Venice

at the gondola dock

we went to Lido beach, the original "Venice Beach". I can't tell you how happy we were to get to ocean and sand and warm weather. here's pocky napping in my bag at the beach.

me and Laura on the beach

Me and gelato! I love gelato. we had it almost every day and one time we had it for breakfast. this was caramel, nutella and chocolate and vanille! heaven in a cone.

Me, Hannah, and Annabelle on our gondola. What a way to travel!

Jumping high in Gubbio. I adore this little city. it was so cute and all the little streets were perfect for wandering.

Lillian, me and Laura in the streets of Gubbio.

I want to take this vespa home

the scream

...

outside the basilica of st. frances. Amazing buildings in Gubbio!

going up the basket-lift was kinda scary but wicked fun. It was this little contraption you stand in to take you up the mountain--similar to a ski lift but at the same time not. Here's lily and I screaming with excitement/terror.

the view at the top

don't look down!

Laura and I not freaking out

us at the Roman forum outside of Gubbio. It was crazy overrun with flowers but still pretty awesome. all of the arches and stairs were still here and we had lots of fun climbing over everything.

bottom to top: hannah, annabelle, lily, laura, me

Me on the walk back to Assisi from Spello. a three hour walk but the scenery was worth it!

Mareesa and I on the "Red brick road" between the two cities.

I'm about to fight this angel at the Sistine Chapel in Rome

Lillian and I at the Sistine Chapel

Me and Bryant outside Vatican City (notice the huge walls that seperate it from Italy)

Tammy and I outside Vatican City

Hannah, me and Annabelle at the Collesium.

outside San Pietro's square.

trevi fountain. make a wish!

Collesium again!

Hanging out with the gladiators

pocky visits england

Thu, 12 Apr 2007 15:08:27 GMT

Still have to get video up from Bath--but last week went to Stratford-upon-Avon, and Warrick castle. Here are video and pics. the video includes the not-so-hilarious-but-painful climb to the top of the tower.

pocky gives the shakespeare a lap dance

Thu, 05 Apr 2007 21:33:29 GMT

Last week was a blur of activity. Stonehenge, Bath, Bristol and Cardiff.

that giant shark sticking out of some house's roof isn't from the museum, by the way. it's from a random house on the way back from school. O_o

london

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 12:51:28 GMT

It kind of makes me sad that nobody really reads this.

in which I am attacked by an Oxford ghost

Going on a boat ride on the Cherwell canal off the Thames

Ireland

Sun, 25 Mar 2007 10:11:45 GMT

Finally got said music and finished my video.

London trips, Ireland pictures

Wed, 21 Mar 2007 08:31:06 GMT

What a busy week! Here are pictures and video from London and Ireland--the Ireland video is still in the making.

at the ashmoeleon museum

on the ferry to ireland

hogwarts

Wed, 14 Mar 2007 17:52:21 GMT

when this works, this should be a video of our adventures of hogwarts and beyond.

the corridors of Hogwarts and the Tower of London

Sun, 11 Mar 2007 11:57:40 GMT

Last week I traveled to a certain number of places in Oxford, walked all over town. It's not a very big town, but it's very fun to walk through. Among the places I've been was Christ Church college where they filmed the Harry Potter films. Then on Friday we went to London and went on a cruise of the river Thames, and also toured the Tower of London. Awful grisly place.

the great hall

gringotts bank

big ben

tower bridge

Video blog

Thu, 08 Mar 2007 12:35:08 GMT

see moving pictures!

the rain will never stop

Mon, 05 Mar 2007 14:33:24 GMT

the sky was beautiful this morning but it started to rain suddenly. So random. Public transportation is all bus or walking, those with cars must fend against the buses. I got ripped off the right busspass because I had no idea what the bus dude was saying; so I only bought the pass for the 8 bus when I could have bought the pass for all buses. So far we've visited several colleges and taken a tour around many ones.

fish and chips and beans.

here I am in a telephone booth.

this is the pub where Tolkien, C.S. Lewis and all sorts of people went to hang out.

Oxford rain

Sun, 04 Mar 2007 11:00:36 GMT

Rain is not predictable; a clear sky on Friday meant pouring rain in the afternoon. I didn't know clouds could move that fast. Apparently we're closer to the sky?

Food is interesting; very thick and filling. Cornish pasty is made to be "indestructible" and filled with meat and vegetables, but tastes quite good. There is no where to sit in the city centre, so you must eat standing or walk until you're done or go eat in a pub.

The Eagle and Child pub is famous for literary noses like Tolkien and C.S. Lewis to haunt; we went there Friday night after a misadventure with bad directions into a cemetery.

Classes start tomorrow.

Going to see the "Great Hall" where they filmed the Harry Potter films, maybe a castle or two.

For some reason the shops remind me of Old Town Pasadena.

Internet is expensive; John paid 30 quid a month for it, or you can buy a 3 quid coffee and sit for an hour or so. I'll get it tomorrow and put up some pictures.

Leaving

Fri, 23 Feb 2007 06:41:29 GMT

Although I'm not quite abroad yet, this post will be the first. Of course I'll keep a real journal too, but this is so all of you can keep up! New layout, LJ is mysterious. I don't have patience to figure out how to center the title image on a plain background. Or do I? Nervous, excited, frazzled, all of the above.

2 new alterations

Sat, 17 Feb 2007 02:22:39 GMT

I took an extra-large green shirt, screenprinted on it, then altered it. Lace and monkey chasing fruit, yay. Inspired by vivifromage's apple shirt. ^_^

which looks better--with collar or without collar?

__

I actually took a before picture-- another screenprint on a large button-up.

Resized, added grommets, cords, and puffy sleeves.

did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day?

Fri, 09 Feb 2007 05:09:06 GMT

My brother's cute toddler "Motorcycle" and "Basketball" polo is resized with semi-puffy sleeves and a gathered yoke.

I've been hanging onto this Gaara t-shirt from AX 2006 and I finally did something to it! Whee.

simple slashed shirt.

I cut off the collar and buttons of a thrift men's shirt and attached it to this tee. Don't you hate those snug t-shirt collars at the neck? for some reason though I can't find this shirt in my closet anymore...:(

one white t-shirt added ruffles and a deep v.

added some fur and some ears to a brown hoodie.

extra fur, made a monster. he doubles as a camera bag.

screenprint

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 05:10:39 GMT

ink is wonderful but it stains permanently. I smell like el'mers glue because that's what the solvents smell like but I have plenty of new t-shirts to play with because mass production is that amazing when you do it yourself

pig design inspired by cindy.

death valley

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 03:26:22 GMT

you know the most extreme places on earth will be extreme. who knew death valley would be so cold?

made a video from trip last week.

artemis fowl 5

Tue, 12 Dec 2006 04:59:22 GMT

I got accepted for Oxford too; definitely going thru March and May of next year. I'll keep a blog; I have a YouTube account so perhaps I will have a video blog as well. I suppose links through here would be all right, but I'm more of sticking to the livejournal. I'll link to both, though. Keep you updated, whoever reads this.

I'll add a book review:

Artemis Fowl 5.

Is it just me or is Eoin Colfer been reading way too much fanfiction? This book almost has the same plotline and new characters of fangirl dribble. But it is still a complex story, it's still a lot of fun, and lots of adventure. The book was good, it was quite fat, and lots of plot turns. We see the return of all our favorite characters, like Mulch, Foaly, Butler, of course Holly, and Artemis. Here in the time jump we have Artemis at fourteen going through puberty (omg cough cough). In the beginning of the book we meet yet another young genius...but surprise surprise, it's a girl! Despite the new character breaking the charts for the Mary-Sue litmus test because she already is

a) a criminal mastermind competition for Artemis
b) knows something of the magic--again, competition for Artemis
c) a love/hate relationship is spawned
d) and romantic tension

So is she technically a Mary-Sue although she is ....gasp...canon, written by the author? She still was annoying, but not so much. She was all right. But the plot was good. The story was good. But I feel like after the fourth book (opal deception), Eoin Colfer could have stopped. It's run out of steam. Artemis is too old now; he's not cool anymore....he's too....good. Part of the allure in the first three was that he was this badass villain...and now he's no longer an anti-hero...he's just a hero. Boring. Not fun.

But the book, if you tire of fangirl dribble...it's better than most fangirl dribble. Not worth buying. But worth a read. Kept me happily occupied for two hours.

pocky lives!

Sat, 21 Oct 2006 06:58:56 GMT

The adventures of pocky continue...with the power of video and editing...i present the first ever pocky music video.