tabula · rasa

( School confuddles me sometimes. Who am I writing for--the youth? Myself? )

Journal next to my bed is still blank. Didn't I promise myself to start writing more, and not just when it strikes me, or when I need to?

Attempting to blog more. Its late. I have a seven-page essay due tomorrow that's worth 25% of my grade for my Race and Ethnicity in American life class. Great class; although I wonder if I'm being overconfident on my essay. Its sitting on my laptop, half-finished.

( procrastination skills )
Its funny, the Internet. Know where to go and you're connected to so much; but its so easy just to not do it. I've been thinking about blogging and writing and I've come across cool writers who I want to follow but just don't bother? because they're on different servers I suppose than LJ. Its kind of like everybody has their own blog at their own site which to follow you should be on that service. To have so many accounts seems to me to be more things to keep track of, etc. At the same time I do want to connect again, be part of the lj community again or just the community in general. I'd just have to pick one, and be active in it...which probably is the problem. I write sporadically, with the "if I only had time" but for some reason between school and work and play I make plenty of time...

Reasons I delay writing:
1. I'll write when I have a real focus
2. I'll write when I have time to devote to a topic (aka traveling, or crafting, or sustainability, or activism, or mental health)
3. wait till school is over
4. wait till I'm happy enough to write
5. wait till I'm sad enough to write
6. have to start a new blog just for certain topics
7. should create an new account on some server under my real identity
8. have to figure out my identity
9. should create a new website for a home for all of this stuff
10. maybe make a twitter?

what I was reading/watching some of it:
write to done- inspiration for writing
the argument for creativity in public education

Number 8 bothers me: I'm constantly flailing around trying to battle my identity: as a poor college student, as a traveler/adventure-loving explorer, an activist, figuring out what I want to do with my life, an environmentalist, a geologist?, a sociologist? , a writer, climber, an experiential education teacher, wilderness guide, crafter....and part of me is saying well go ahead pick one and write as that person. And part of me wants a home for each little area I want to write in...want an area to document my travels and adventures, my little observations about life and general...

sometimes I just want to tell stories...other peoples stories maybe? Met so many amazing people. Like Jesus. He's fifteen, grew up in L.A. and dropped out of middle school. Been arrested twice, saw friends go to jail on murder charges, has seen death straight hand. But talk to him and you'd know he knows whats up. He's very passionate about keeping people out of gang violence and about getting his life on track; I first met him last summer on the Sierras trip, a nine-day gang-intervention course with OBLA. What I remember from that trip was him just simply staying out of the drama of the other youth (conflicts with authority, etc) and that "I just like hiking."

He was quiet but had a knowing look; it was great to see him again and hear what he's been up to. He's involved in the community service organization with OBLA, and raising money to go on an epic adventure in Washington and Utah, and returning to the Sierras. It was awesome to see him transcend as a youth leader too on last weekend's course (a 2-day backpacking program for foster kids in LA); such a great asset.

I mean it was his campfire; his stories that engaged William and Javier to speak up about their experiences too and all of them proceeded to grill Andy about his pro-gang ideology. It was so powerful to hear from Jesus (not from me or another instructor) for his peers for him to help others understand consequences of their actions. "I've been there, and it sucks because it basically means your life is over...and I knew the first time I came out here I knew I had to get out," he said. What really spoke to me was that it was his experience in the Sierras, really getting away from the city, that showed him there was more out there beyond his ghetto neighborhood, and that life was good and beautiful and there was so much to explore.

and on writing...mostly I'm of the opinion that it is what it is, and if I really wanted to write more I would, and since I don't, I must some how not want it enough.


But I really should get back to that essay. Mmyep pinning down the historical sociopolitical process of defining race in America.

Torn between desire again to throw myself into everything, be involved with everything, talk to people, make everything possible. Want to be a vegetable, sleep, and cuddle. Or want to be on top, leading the climb. Spent hours and hours climbing (actively?) yesterday. Not really. Kind of aloof from world, want to withdraw, want to fall off the planet and not care. But I do care, care too much.

My attempts to journal more apparently fail.

It is a cool crisp morning after the sudden storms hitting Southern California. Unplanned for, unpredictable, but nonetheless a reminder that we live also on this planet and are subject to weather. The earth is wet with potential and life peeks about at every corner; fresh leaves of orange and tan and brown cling to the wet cement. Leaves of my childhood when I used to sweep them up and gather and play as Cookie ran around, colors of orange red gold swirling, her bright eyes brimming with excitement and happiness.

Simple as it should be, to have the heart to be merry and sad. It is easy to be a dog. Complicated to be a human, once emotions and free will and all that discombobulation come into play.

( and indeed there will be time to ask, do I dare? )

Quests to make edible nutrients while I am constantly hungry. Suddenly...was I always this hungry? Or had I just become accustomed to food being readily available to purchase or find at home? I would cook at home...but with a largely stocked kitchen with plentiful items to fix, start, and boost up some meals.

Foods so far:

Drank so much juice drink! Must remember to buy more juices in more plentiful format.

The number of cooking items that I made that feel actually edible are variable. Being hungry and making something to eat aren't always fruitful together...

Grilled cheese sandwiches. How to get the cheese perfectly melted so but without burning bread on the pan? Today I used the microwave for the cheese, but saved from soggy bread by returning to the pan. Best sandwich ever. Gooey and cheesy and delicious. I was not hungry for two hours! Amazing.

Today I made fried rice, which was all right but strange. I borrowed a skillet, eggs, and corn from different neighbors....and returned to them fried rice which I recieved plentiful thanks for but no comment yet on how they taste. I thought it was rather ... strange. All right, for fried rice, but too soggy and the meat was hardly noticiable! And tasteless, for all the soy sauce I put in it. Eggs hardly registered.

In it:

grilled onions
scramble eggs
rice!
hash
mushrooms

I bet its the hash...meat in a can! Probably should have used SPAM instead. Hmmm...spam musubi... but no seaweed. Spam would have tasted better.

Within three days living in my new apartment I have:

burnt three of my fingers
set several things on fire
finished two and a half sewing projects
purchased a shirt
made a brilliant grilled cheese sandwich
walked at least 20 miles. (kidding! but who knows...probably ten.)

been bored.

Quite sad, considering once school starts boredom might just become a mere memory. School starts Thursday but today is Tuesday. The week passes by slowly. Without the rest of the gang at the home to be here, all the time in the day is for myself.

I like it. And I don't. But I do. It's strange.

But I'm a block away from incredible ice cream!

And business is doing rather well.

Not dead!
(I have a Monty Python pin on my bag. Hooray).

I mean really, act. Not just those silly faces he's been pulling during the HP Quidditch matches, but actually get into character and act.

Last night I went to the 7:30 show of Equus at the heart of the West End of London. Originally during this trip I was planning to go but somehow the plan fell apart. But fate must have interceded because yesterday I was wandering in London and yesterday I happened to be free and yesterday I bought a ticket.

The show was amazing. The lights and the minimal set and costume design really put everything right there. If you don't know the show, it's about a psychiatrist trying to understand why a boy would blind six horses. Harry Potter jokes aside (the very first time he sings about a Milky Way bar I'm trying very hard not to fall off my seat. Too bad Sandy wasn't here to make everything really lewd), Daniel really suspended belief and put us right in the spot, in the stables with the horses and his passion and belief in them as spirits.

I think total sets were four black boxes but they became desks, chairs, hay bales, beds, walls, everything. Richard Griffiths was quite good too and the play all came together.

I had a magnificent seat by the way. Those backstage seats are a steal. I was sitting on the second row backstage, right on the stage. Literally 10 feet from the actors. Daniel is freakishly pale. It does right for the character of Alan but I wonder if he ever sees the sun. And he's pale all over, and by all over I do mean all over.

Unfortunately I was sitting in the midst of fangirls. How in the world can I go to London and still be surrounded by Americans? They let out several squeals. Yes, he is naked and I can totally hear you next to me squealing away.

After the show was kinda pandemonium. I slipped off backstage as our seats were only accessed by the back but got lost by the numerous curtains. Got back to the stage door and found a crowd eagerly waiting Daniel's appearance. A rather creepy crowd, too. Mostly girls and some older men and random people with their cell phones out. I pushed to the front but decided five minutes in it wasn't worth it as the boy probably expected this and would never walk into random London without armed guard. Plus, no pen. Camera was ready but I can't say I'm a stalker. After I met up with London cousin we walked back and everybody had dispersed (stage door closed) except a few hopefuls.

Hooray for theatre.

Last weekend we went to Hampton Court, Windsor Palace, and hung out in London. Then Alice, Maria and I traveled to the white cliffs of Dover and hung out at the castles in Canterbury. Wicked fun.



( click for pictures> <br><img src=  )

Hello to everybody! Sigh. Just got back from springbreak and have a mess of pictures and video to show everyone. Here are videos from my hike along the Thames river in Oxford, Stonehenge and Bath, and also hopefully the gondola ride in Venice. And Italy and France pictures of course.

Italy was just lovely. I adore the little streets and the scenery and the villages tucked into mountains. Venice was amazing to explore and we only had a little while in Rome but it was awesome to see the Collosium and the Pantheon.







( click to see more! )

Still have to get video up from Bath--but last week went to Stratford-upon-Avon, and Warrick castle. Here are video and pics. the video includes the not-so-hilarious-but-painful climb to the top of the tower.



( Pictures under the cut )

It kind of makes me sad that nobody really reads this.







( more pictures )

Finally got said music and finished my video.

What a busy week! Here are pictures and video from London and Ireland--the Ireland video is still in the making.







( more pictures from london and ireland under the cut )

when this works, this should be a video of our adventures of hogwarts and beyond.

Last week I traveled to a certain number of places in Oxford, walked all over town. It's not a very big town, but it's very fun to walk through. Among the places I've been was Christ Church college where they filmed the Harry Potter films. Then on Friday we went to London and went on a cruise of the river Thames, and also toured the Tower of London. Awful grisly place.

( pictures under the cut )

see moving pictures!
(  video blog )

the sky was beautiful this morning but it started to rain suddenly. So random. Public transportation is all bus or walking, those with cars must fend against the buses. I got ripped off the right busspass because I had no idea what the bus dude was saying; so I only bought the pass for the 8 bus when I could have bought the pass for all buses. So far we've visited several colleges and taken a tour around many ones.

( pictures are good for you )

Rain is not predictable; a clear sky on Friday meant pouring rain in the afternoon. I didn't know clouds could move that fast. Apparently we're closer to the sky?

Food is interesting; very thick and filling. Cornish pasty is made to be "indestructible" and filled with meat and vegetables, but tastes quite good. There is no where to sit in the city centre, so you must eat standing or walk until you're done or go eat in a pub.

The Eagle and Child pub is famous for literary noses like Tolkien and C.S. Lewis to haunt; we went there Friday night after a misadventure with bad directions into a cemetery.

Classes start tomorrow.

Going to see the "Great Hall" where they filmed the Harry Potter films, maybe a castle or two.

For some reason the shops remind me of Old Town Pasadena.

Internet is expensive; John paid 30 quid a month for it, or you can buy a 3 quid coffee and sit for an hour or so. I'll get it tomorrow and put up some pictures.

Although I'm not quite abroad yet, this post will be the first. Of course I'll keep a real journal too, but this is so all of you can keep up! New layout, LJ is mysterious. I don't have patience to figure out how to center the title image on a plain background. Or do I? Nervous, excited, frazzled, all of the above.